2021

05.13.21 Retired Husband

Rosalyn McDaniel

This story begins with June Woolf receiving a letter from Walmart claiming that her husband was no longer welcome in the store. When she reads over the reasons why it’s no wonder they don’t want him coming in! Reading through the imaginative and mischievous things her husband gets up to in a store made me laugh out loud!

This piece of Internet humor has been circulating for many years and began as a list of funny things for husbands could do to pass the time while their wife shops. Over the years, it’s turned into a letter banning a husband from a store. The name of the store may change, as may the name of the wife and husband, but the joke remains the same!

Roy was pretty well behaved when he started going to the grocery with me though we did misbehave together in the store just to have fun. I’m pretty sure he would have loved to do several of the things in the list below!

I loved it, I hope you will too!

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a, ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his, ‘Madonna Look’ using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed;
‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?
And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile; then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.

Sincerely,
Mr. Wally Brown
Walmart Complaint Department

Discover more from - BECAUSE HE LIVES, I CAN FACE TOMORROW -

Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.

Leave a comment